Welcome to Sharon Spiers, the newest sales agent at Pam Golding Properties in Howick. You can contact Sharon on 082 894 7090 or email her This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
Wishing you success and happiness in the lovely village-like community of Howick town!
This is a question that I am frequently asked. And if it is a female client asking the question it is usually followed by the question: And why is it that my husband and other men deal with stress so well?
Let’s look at the second question, relating to the common perception that men seem to deal with emotional stress better than women. We need to look closely at what is meant by “men deal well with stress.”
It seems that one of the key reasons many people believe that men deal well with stress is because men often do not show obvious signs that they are experiencing stress.
The lack of outward signs of stress does not mean, however, that a man or woman or, even, a young person is not experiencing stress. It often simply means that the individual has learned how to ignore or avoid the signs of stress and/or to hide the signs of stress from others.
And I was one of those children and then, eventually, one of those adults who appeared to deal well with stress when, in fact, I was simply doing everything I could not to think about or feel the unpleasant emotion of anxiety (or sadness, or hurt, or anger, etc).
Avoiding and/or hiding the signs of anxiety and stress is not the same as dealing with stress effectively! These are, in fact, self-defeating habits. And the reason that I say this is because if you are experiencing stress, especially chronic stress, then you have stress hormones, specifically cortisol, regularly circulating in your bloodstream.
And the human body and brain are not designed to have cortisol released into the bloodstream apart from approximately 30 minutes before waking up in the morning and during life-threatening situations.
Practising mindfulness on a daily basis over the past decade or so has enabled me, however, to slowly but surely release the above self-defeating habits and build new, far healthier ways of working with stress and unwanted emotions.
One of the first new habits that I developed and that you can begin experimenting with is to regularly pause and take the time to check-in, or place your attention on, what is happening to you in your mind and body during those times when you are experiencing stress and/or elevated levels of anxiety.
In other words, try to give attention to how your mind and body react when stress is experienced. In particular, what thoughts arise in your mind and what parts of your body tighten up or begin to feel uncomfortable?
For example, do your thoughts start to include worst-case scenarios or, alternatively, do you immediately turn your thoughts away from the stressor and towards something that can distract you?
And, do you notice that your upper body tenses or that you regularly hold your breath or that your heart rate increases or that your shoulders tighten and move upwards towards your ears, etc?
Importantly, pausing and taking the time to look at what happens to you when you experience stress means that you will more likely be able to start to release the old habit of simply reacting to stressors in an automatic, largely unconscious, and, perhaps, self-defeating manner.
Sadly, when we are rushing from one task to the next most of us are likely to miss the first physical signs of low-grade stress that often accompany a challenging time like this.
Possibly the most important, yet easily overlooked, a sign of stress includes muscular tightness or tension, especially in one's upper body. If you don't catch this process early on then before long, you will be feeling exhausted or depleted because of the muscular tension that you have been holding over the previous hours.
Crucially, muscular tension also prevents one from breathing deeply, causing one to breathe shallow breaths instead, which further raises our stress levels and feelings of depletion.
The antidote to this is to regularly, every hour or so, "check-in" on your body, and over a period of 5 - 10 seconds "scan" yourself from head to toe. If there are any signs of muscular tightness or tension then consciously try to relax and loosen up these areas. And, importantly, give your breathing attention as well, making very sure to breathe deeply and slowly.
Over the coming weeks try to cultivate the new habit of "checking in" and you are likely to feel the benefits soon.
The more you become aware of your bodily sensations, when and how they change, the more you will develop your ability to see your stress with clarity, which will lead you to respond to it with more self-care, less self-concern and manage it more effectively during the day.
If you would like to learn further mindfulness-based stress reduction techniques and practices why not consider enrolling on my new online mindfulness course? A significantly discounted rate is on offer for the month of September. Send me an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to obtain your course coupon which will give you access to this discounted rate.
I am also going to be running the very popular face-to-face 8-week Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course, starting on the evening of the 7th October 2020. There are places for a maximum of 10-course participants. (The free introductory talk will take place on Thursday the 1st October.) Send me an email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. for further information and/or to obtain a detailed course brochure.
'The Charity Bass Challenge was held at Albert Falls Dam in January this year and raised R16 200 for FreeMe Wildlife!
Huge thank you to Alistar Moores-Pitt Free-Range Poultry and each and every fisherman (and woman) who took part to support FreeMe Wildlife, we love you! ♥️
FreeMe used this funding for two projects; installing contra-vision for our up and coming surgery room windows and laying cement slabbing for our "hands-off" antelope handling system upgrading our antelope enclosures. ♥️♥️
We are all about developing and growing to ensure that the wildlife admitted to FreeMe Wildlife has the best possible care👨🔬🐾 Without support from members of the public, we would never be able to achieve the great things we do for KZN's wildlife. 🤗♥️' shared FreeMe Wildlife.
Caption: Wade and Anette accept the cheque from Alistair on behalf of FreeMe Wildlife.
What’s on the September #beer calendar? It’s an exciting month with the first day of Oktoberfest on the 19th, Heritage Day on the 24th and Drink A Beer Day on the 28th. Let’s raise a glass of locally brewed #craftbeer and celebrate our beautiful country and our delicious beer.
Lions River Craft Brewery and Beer Garden is open Saturday and Sunday from 11am to 4.30pm and offer craft beers on tap, mixed braai packs at R85 per person per pack, order pizza from Il Postino directly and they will deliver to the beer garden, sandwiches and brewery tours. Call 0818959605 or email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
We look forward to hosting you!
The team at Lions River Craft Brewery and Beer Garden
#kzncraftbeer
News supplied.
Whilst our school was closed during lockdown, a pair of Spotted Eagle Owls made a very wise decision to nest in a tree on our quiet school playground at Heritage House Preschool.
It wasn't long after our school re-opened in July, that one of our 'alert mini rangers' Sion, first spotted an owl in the trees. This was exciting news for all of us. Two weeks later to our surprise, out from the trees drop-fluttered a baby owl! This caused a degree of consternation; how was Owlet going to get back to safety? We stood back and watched; to our delight nature took care of itself. He managed to pick his way carefully back by choosing short distance flights, from ground level onto something a little higher and higher, using even the jungle gym as part of his course.
Day by day we have been observing this family which soon proved to be a family of four - both parents plus two chicks. It has been a great educational experience for staff and children alike. Now some five weeks later this little feathered family, whom we have grown rather fond of, have taken to their wings and ventured off into the big wide world. It leaves one thought with us; will they be safe from man and predator? Please think carefully before using harmful rat poisons. Judging by the evidence, rats appeared to be their main source of nutrition.
We have felt truly blessed by the presence of these Spotted Eagle Owls.
News supplied.
Armed with wheelbarrows, hardy shoes and gloves and, inspired by the spirit of ubuntu, residents from Merrivale, Merrivale Heights and Birnamwood set out to pick up litter from Cedara Agricultural College to the bridge over the highway. This clean up covered about 1,5km of road, with many more than the expected handful of volunteers turning out. Notable support came from; Skip Go who sponsored the use of a skip, Merrivale Xtra group and SA Recycling for bags, St Joseph's Theological Institute for endless helping hands, Merrivale SuperSpar and Tops for juice, treats and hands-on help. Pam Passmoor and Janis Homes from the DA uMngeni pitched in as did a large number of residents, all offering their labour, funds, fuel or bags for the morning clean up.
Also deserving of a mention is our uMngeni Municipality who promptly responded to this effort by collecting the packed up rubbish bags within a couple of hours of being advised that the work was complete.
The driving lady behind this successfully executed clean up, Kate Janse Van Rensburg said, 'My cup is full again. What I thought was impossible turned into a restoration of my faith in humanity.'
Well done to all involved, may the spirit of ubuntu continue to spread among the KZN, Midlands.
Pictured below: Kate with her family.
News supplied.
Congratulations to Alexandra Candler of Howick High School who received the award for Provincial T20 Player of the Year at a presentation made at Kingsmead yesterday. Age Quod Agis!
News Supplied.
The Dismissing - Avoidant Attachment Style
Yesterday was both a good day and a very bad day for me.
It was a very bad day because we had to put our dear old gentle dog to sleep. Her body was riddled with cancer and we were told it would be the most humane thing to do for her.
I dug the hole and helped to bury her in our garden. And the tears rolled down my cheeks. This, perhaps strangely, was the good part of the day because it was the first time in a long time that I have managed to cry with others present. I often find it hard to allow myself to be vulnerable in this way.
And so I viewed my tears as another step in the journey that I have been taking over the years towards releasing those elements of my personality that are a part of the insecure pattern of attachment, termed a “dismissing - avoidant attachment style”.
But what does this pattern of attachment have to do with relationship difficulties?
Well, people with traits of, or the “full-blown”, dismissing-avoidant attachment style are often unsure how to go about allowing relationships to grow. If you are someone like this or are in a relationship with someone like this, then read on.
In my most recent newsletters, I indicated that relationship difficulties and conflict, especially within the household relationships, are very often related to the patterns of attachment, or attachment styles, of the individuals involved.
And, as with all attachment styles, a dismissing- avoidant attachment style simply involves a set of automatic relationship processes that an adult formed when they were a child to help them cope with the particular relationship challenges they faced within their primary relationship with one or both of their parents.
In this newsletter, I will again be drawing on the writings of well known US psychologist Hal Shorey to help you to identify the common dismissing - avoidant attachment style, and to start to learn how to cope with this attachment style in yourself and/or others.
Four key questions for you to consider that relate to your relationships with your important people (such as your partner, close friends, etc):
Do you find that you are somewhat uncomfortable being close to others?
Do you find it difficult to trust others completely, and to allow yourself to depend on them?
Do you feel nervous when anyone gets too close, and that others often want you to be more intimate than you feel comfortable being?
Does it seem easier to avoid the dangers of intimacy through solitary activities and emotional withdrawal?
If your answer is “Yes (most of the time)” to these questions, then it is likely that you have some, or many, of the traits of a “dismissing - avoidant attachment style.”
These individuals can initially come across as warm and charismatic. If your partner has dismissing traits friends may have said how lucky you are to have such a warm and personable person in your life. And you wonder to yourself: “What is wrong with me that this wonderful person pulls away and becomes distant once the socialising is over?”
If you are in a relationship with a dismissing person, then you probably enjoyed all of the positive attention in the early stages of the relationship and so did not notice that they rarely spoke much about their childhood, personal struggles, or feelings.
So what might it feel like to be a person with a dismissing - avoidant attachment style, or some elements thereof, spending your life wanting love and connection?
For many of these individuals they keep meeting people who seem to meet their high standards for being a good partner. But once they get involved, they often begin to feel irritated by their partner’s many “flaws”, including their need for time and affection.
Dismissing - avoidant individuals often feel that they just cannot do anything right in the other person’s eyes. At the same time, their partner repeatedly tells them how much they love them. They may have a feeling that the relationship is never going to work out, but not wanting to hurt their partner, they often decide to stay in the relationship but are careful not to show too much affection.
This isn’t that difficult, because their partner’s tender touches often make them feel anxious and uneasy anyway.
This is no fun for the dismissing person or his partner. The dismissing person often realises that something is wrong, and may really crave love. He wants “normal” and he often knows that he doesn’t want to repeat this pattern, but he is unsure of what to do.
The problem is that the dismissing person’s conscious mind tells him that his partner is attractive and that he should build the relationship. But simultaneously, his emotional system reads her love and affection as a threat and triggers an anxiety response.
Thinking of himself as weak or anxious is antithetical to a dismissing person, so he has to make an attribution for his emotional experience to understand his own behavior.
So he labels the anxiety as irritation or annoyance. And he feels this way whenever she shows him real affection. So his rational mind determines that she must be the cause of his irritation. This allows him to find her “faults and imperfections” which he now finds intolerable and forces him to pull away.
Rationally the dismissing person knows that he is doing this and knows that it is a problem. He wants to stop.
The reason that love and affection are so threatening to someone with a dismissing attachment style is that these basic emotional needs were typically not met by one or both parents in childhood.
In such a situation, a child will deny the need for love and affection rather than stay in a state of sadness and yearning. After years of pushing this lack of love out of awareness, the dismissing adult feels strong, self-sufficient and independent.
But then someone comes along who says, “I love you.” And all of that suppressed yearning is “re-awakened” and threatens to rush back from the suppressed past. But a dismissing individual cannot tolerate being so vulnerable and needy, so he feels angry at that reaction which threatens his hard-fought sense of independence, and he needs to push it away (and the one who offers him love).
If this description approximates how you feel in your close relationships, here are some things to consider doing:
• Recognise the pattern you are enacting, and that your emotional system is playing tricks on your conscious mind.
• Focus in on the physical sensation that you feel when your partner gets close. See if you can give it, usually anxiety, a name. The sensation is not you, it is only a sensation. See if you can separate out the love feelings from the anxiety.
• Realize that the grass really isn’t greener elsewhere. Often the love you want is not far away, if not right in front of you.
• Learn to embrace the more tender, softer parts of your being and nurture them like you would a young child who needs your care. If you learn to do this for yourself, you will find it easier to do for others.
If you are in a relationship with a dismissing partner:
• Realize that he is trying to push away his own need for love, to keep closed the old wound that has never fully healed.
• If he starts to run away, tell him how much you care, but don’t run after him because he will invariably cause you more pain and suffering.
• Make a choice: If it hurts too much, tell him that you are not interested in being loved from a distance, and end it. Or, tell him that you aren’t going anywhere and that if he cannot tolerate love, he should find the courage to end it himself.
• Learn to be a little dismissing yourself as this might feel more comfortable for him. And it is a way that you can keep from giving your power away in the relationship.
And as I have personally found, taking a mindfulness course can be of huge benefit in helping one to identify one’s habitual way of relating to others. Mindfulness will enable you to gradually make the changes that will allow your relationships to flourish.
In this regard, my new live and online mindfulness-based stress reduction course kicks off next week on the 18th August, Tuesday evening, at 6pm. Send me an email at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. for more course information.
I look forward to hearing from you.
With warm regards,
Alistair Mork-Chadwick (Psychologist)
'We are so excited to share our happy news. We finally have our own branded vehicle. This has been a long time dream of ours and it is now finally a reality. We are now able to reach more families, especially those who live in the more rural parts of Mpophomeni. We would like to thank those who contributed towards this vehicle and in particular, to Sign Solutions for the brilliant job they did on the branding and to Mahindra Pmb for their excellent service.' shared Funda Nenja.
The town of Howick welcomed J Theron & Pietersen, Auditors, Accountants and Tax Practitioners, in 2010 when Jacques, the founding partner of the firm, opened a branch of his office here in the Midlands. His business supported his and his families desire to get away from the big city to return to the farmlands their childhood had given them. His office in Johannesburg was established in 2004 and is fully operational with Jacques returning monthly to consult with these clients. The practice here in Howick has grown significantly this year celebrating 10 years of service to an ever-increasing client base in the area.
In 2014 Jacques had the opportunity to buy over a Howick accounting practise and this made his move to Howick permanent. His partner Nadia Pietersen is running the Johannesburg office.
Howick offices are situated in the Whitehouse Centre, 50 Main Road, Howick and his local staff of Vimal, Raymond, Tash, Muhammad, Marie and Gerda are committed to ensure clients work is efficiently attended to. Giving clients peace of mind that their companies Accounts, Annual Financial Statements, Tax and Audits are working to provide them with the information they need to create a success of their businesses.
Pictured here L-R: Gerda Marais, Raymond Madondo, Vimal Koosihal, Jacques Theron, Muhammad Amod, Marie Speirs, Tash Pillay and Lucia Hlabangani.
News supplied by J Theron and Associates Accounting.
Lockdown with Leanne...
My husband and I had been Darby and Joan for a few years and then lockdown hit. Shock of shock! All our plans for the year – halted and now definitely scrapped and to top it, the children came back to live with us.
My first thoughts were how lucky that we could be safe and together and then the reality set in. I had a son arriving from Belgium. A foreign traveler in the home meant self-isolation a week before lockdown. The measures we took were exhausting and stringent with the potential risk of Coronavirus. I had survived numerous near-death experiences due to a persistent brain tumor and there was no way Covid-19 was going to claim me or a family member.
Level 5 began, and no one was sick. “Well of course not, “said the kids, “how could it be with such strict hygiene rules!”
Days were spent cooking and feeding and cleaning and gardening. Added to the mix was the cats and dogs that thought that Christmas was never going to end! It was eerily quiet – no traffic, no dogs barking – the world seemed to have stopped and every little sound of nature was amplified.
After a short while, I had had enough and a roster was designed – who cooked when, who was responsible for cleaning certain rooms, garden and home chores. I resigned from ironing and so my husband started seeing how far along he could get with the clothes in his cupboard – he was one of the few that went to work each day – and with far too many items of clothing – no ironing was required. The rest of us wore the non-creasing items of clothing and as often as possible.
Every day I tended my vegetable garden – it was my sanity as it allowed me peace and quiet time, even though my back broke most days. Apart from all the household chores I continued with on-line webinars and courses, Zoom meetings, got up to date with most of my work and clients and spent time on property portals and my listings. It became evident that things were changing in the property market in the areas I serviced. In the evenings I was exhausted and so when lockdown was extended it was with mixed reactions that I greeted the news.
Lockdown had allowed a slowness in some cases, but I didn’t have a spare minute to do what I had envisaged – there was no reading a novel or watching movie after movie. We seldom went out and when my husband came back from work, we would eagerly question him on what he had seen – such was the isolation.
From 1 May, it became evident that many buyers were ready to start viewing and buying – many with disbelief that real estate was zoned Level 2! And so my list of buyers to view properties began.
Come 1 June (Level 3), we were allowed to start work – sanitizer, masks, Covid-19 consent and waiver documentation, separate vehicles, social distancing, home offices and extra precautions was and still is the order of the day. And the pent-up demand started, welcomed by the lowest interest rates ever. Three months later and the market is still buoyant, however change is definitely on the horizon.
So the days have become weeks and then months. The question we all ask is when and if it will end; how many waves will we endure? How long will the interest rates stay this low? When will the present market change? When will we have the chance to travel, to see distant friends and family?
No one is going to forget 2020 – for many, it will be traumatic and for the lucky few it will be special. My hope is that everyone is in some way able to find a silver lining.
News from Pam Golding Properties.
Lockdown with Lauren...
So, what happened during the initial lockdown period? Well, we planned ahead, made sure the cupboards were stocked enough for 21 days so that going out would be kept to an absolute minimum. We made To-Do lists for DIY and other “jobs” around the house, most of which have now been completed. We took “time-out” to recharge, sleep in late and have lazy afternoons outside in the sun spending much needed time together as a family.
Then lockdown is extended, the anxiety about the future set in and Zoom became our friend, from weekly meetings with colleagues and almost daily training and information sessions with industry specialists, we kept going until we were allowed back to work under level 3. Now the new normal is here and we go out when necessary for the shortest amount of time with our masks, sanitisers and record-keeping forms to see clients and do business in the most efficient and practical way possible.
And so where to from now? Covid-19 is not going anywhere anytime soon so for now, stay positive, stay safe and look forward to what the future holds…
News from Pam Golding Properties.
THE YEAR 2020: THE WORLD CAME TOGETHER AS THE PEOPLE STAYED APART
The exhibition runs from the 3rd September – 31st October 2020
Everyday life has undergone dramatic changes over the past few months. That holds true for people around the globe. There is no denying that the COVID 19 virus has brought immeasurable misery, in many forms. Ironically, it has also triggered an unprecedented outburst of creativity. Out of adversity, ingenuity and resourcefulness have flourished.
Ardmore artists were subject to the weeks-long lockdown like everyone else in South Africa. Human imagination cannot easily be stifled, however. Staying at home afforded these artists the time and opportunity to reflect upon and interpret the narrative of this perplexing turnabout in history.
They have mobilized their hopes and fears to fire up the creative process.
This incredible new Collection enables us to “ hear” their lockdown stories, as interpreted through the modelling of clay. We are delighted to present these extraordinary pieces, created while the Ardmore Studio was closed. They were incubated in less-than-ideal working conditions, in the nearby village of Lidgetton.
The Ardmore artists have brought to life amazing artworks and striking new ceramic designs. Without a doubt, these will enhance any personal or museum collection. Some pieces explore the themes of equilibrium and mutual co-operation in nature through interlocking animal forms. Others engender hope. Still, others are infused with a sense of playfulness. The surreal shared experience of the Coronavirus pandemic.
Arks filled with bats, pangolins and other African animals double as eloquent statements on the unquestionable necessity of protecting the environment. Safe houses and Zulu huts reference the human need for sanctuary. The large pangolin sculptures have become powerful symbols of the pandemic and our response to it. Curled up in their instinctive form of lockdown, they face the uncertainty of whether to emerge in public or to withdraw. This fresh Collection interweaves aesthetics and urgency, beauty with gravity.
“ The COVID 19 pandemic and the lockdown that followed came upon us suddenly and dramatically, changing all our lives. I have been astounded yet again by the incredible creations of the Ardmore artists, emerging from humble working conditions in the Lidgetton Village close to our studio. The artists were inevitably impacted and influenced by what was happening around us. The luxury of time gave us the opportunity to return to storytelling. We now question the way humans help create the conditions that led us into the pandemic, and the artists have explored new ways to find balance in nature.” Fée Halsted
For more information please contact This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
+27 828529299
We are passionate and professional and just love spending time with puppies. We specialise in puppy training from basic obedience all the way up to advanced training and protection training. Not only do we train dogs, but we also teach humans. We are passionate about animal welfare and take time to explain to people how they should be treating their dogs and why.
We only use positive reinforcement training, which means that we reward dogs for correct behaviour and never hurt or abuse dogs with harsh punishment like shock collars, prong collars and physical punishment.
We are super passionate about animal welfare and conservation. That is why our very own Belgian Malinois (Sam) is training to track and apprehend poachers in conservation areas. Sam is a well-rounded dog and helps us out with socialising puppies. He is trained in advanced obedience and truffle hunting too!
HDDT K9 Services is super excited to be operating in the midlands and helping dog owners from Pietermaritzburg to Nottingham road and everywhere in between.
While animal welfare and conservation is at the top of our list of passions. In second place is our passion for developing well trained, obedient, and loyal family pets.
We have focused our training mainly around the family ‘pack’ and encourage dogs from an early age to be wary of strangers and protect their family.
While training we get the whole family involved so that everyone know what to do and how to treat the dog.
With the unfortunate crime stats in our country and in particular farmers, we have orientated our training around this. Our training is structured to produce an obedient, confident, and defensive dog. A dog that will be friendly to friends and defensive towards strangers.
We encourage people to carefully consider the breed of dog they get for their particular situation and offer guidance in selecting the right breed and the right pup from a litter to fit in perfectly with your family. With the right pup, and the right training, you will feel confident that you and your family are loved and well protected!
Check out our Facebook page for regular updates on everything dog. Our website has an awesome blog page which offers advice and help on common issues experience by South African dog owners.
More about HDDT K9 Services.
Were you planning on joining us for the 1000 Paws event this year?
Sadly, our major fundraiser was cancelled this year due to COVID-19, but you can still imprint your paws!
Please join the #1000PawsChallenge by making a donation (entry fees would have been R40), taking a fun photo of you, your family/ you and your pet and post the photo on social media (our page and your own with #1000PawsChallenge). You can print out this poster and challenge your mates to get involved.
#1000PawsChallenge - let's go!
uMngeni SPCA
Bank: Nedbank
Branch: 198 765
Account: 1133791700
Reference: 1000 Paws Challenge
More about uMngeni SPCA.
We really have some stunning dining room suites, cabinets, occasional tables, chairs, hand made and painted porcelain, magnificent Turkish/Persian Carpets and Runners, some Kelims at last, stunning local art and all sorts of Art Products and of course Gifts new and old for every occasion.
❣Howick's Favourite Place to Shop❣
Artefacts
2 Harvard Street, Howick
CELL/WHATSAPP 0762354813
Landline 0333303973
News supplied.
Live in a manor overlooking Midmar Dam 🌅
- Only 2kms from the N3
- Set in a large garden on a working cattle farm
- 7 Bedrooms + a spacious attic with 4 comfortable 3/4 beds, so the house can sleep 20 people when necessary!
- Beds are all new, linen is percale, beautiful antique furniture
Ideal as:
💼 Corporate 'COVID - 19' retreat
👩👩👧👦 Joint family home for regular Midlands visits
🏖 A city family who needs some space, sunshine & outdoor activities
Fully furnished with 2 housekeepers, 1 is a trained chef who can provide 3 meals a day.
R30 000.00 per month includes the housekeepers & gardeners & excludes electricity & security.
Tenants will be thoroughly screened.
Pets are welcome.
FICA DOCS AND CREDIT CHECK ARE A PREREQUISITE.
👤: Pippa Griffin
☎️: 0834678140
🖥: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
Relationship conflicts within the household relationships are very often related to the attachment styles of the individuals involved.
An attachment style is a set of automatic relationship processes that each of us as children developed to help us cope with our particular family environment.
And because these patterns of coping with the interpersonal environment were practiced so many times during our childhood and adolescent years, they become entrenched in our thoughts, behaviors and emotional systems… and so powerfully influence how you behave and respond within your adult relationships today.
In this newsletter, I will again be drawing on the writings of well known US psychologist Hal Shorey to help you to identify one of the common styles of insecure attachment, termed the anxious attachment style, and to start to learn how to cope with this attachment style in yourself and/or others.
Three key questions for you to consider that relate to your relationships with your important people (such as your partner, close friends, etc):
Do you find that others are reluctant to get as close to you as you would like?
Do you often worry that your important people don’t really love you or won’t want to stay or spend time with you?
Do you often want to get very close to your important others and this sometimes scares people away and/or leaves you feeling scared that you will be let down?
If your answer is “Yes (most of the time)” to these questions, then it is likely that you have what is termed an “insecure attachment style” and, more specifically, an “anxious attachment style.”
Scientific research suggests that many of us are likely to have an anxious attachment style. So, if you don’t have this personality style then you are most likely in relationships with people who do. Understanding this personality style and how it impacts emotions and interpersonal behaviours can help to relieve distress and conflict, avoid damage, and promote healthy and mutually satisfying relationships.
Imagine the following situation involving you and a close friend or significant other:
After an interaction with this person they seem rather distant and dismissing of you. The person leaves without providing an explanation, and you feel a slight surge of anxiety as you try to work out why the person behaved towards you in this way.
As the day progresses, you think about all of the other interactions you have had with this person. You recall other times that you have felt rejected and “less than.” You wonder if that person really likes you. You might begin to feel angry or misunderstood. And it is not long before your discomfort causes you to give them a call.
You ask the person if anything is wrong and it is very difficult to hide the upset in your voice. The other person tells you that you are over-reacting, and sounds irritated. After the call, you feel even worse.
At the end of the day, you call the person again and it turns into an unpleasant argument with accusatory statements flying between the two of you, and you end up feeling angry and betrayed.
Similar situations might unfold in relation to your boss and/or certain colleagues. You often perceive these individuals to be rather distant with you and, as a result, you spend a lot of time ruminating over your recent interactions with them.
And when you confront any one of these individuals you often leave the interaction feeling as though they look down on you.
When trying to determine what happened in any one of these difficult interactions, the truth is often that you will have experienced an emotional hijacking because of an “anxious attachment style” that became wired within your personality and emotional system during your childhood years.
If you do have an anxious attachment style, you can learn to recognize and understand it, capitalise on the strengths that it gives you, and override the parts that cause you problems. If you don’t have an anxious attachment style, then this may help you understand those who do.
There are more than 40 years of research on attachment styles, which indicates that if you have an anxious style (called “preoccupied” in adults), you were probably raised by one or more parents who were inconsistent in how they responded to you when you were young, especially when you were upset and needed reassurance.
Sometimes the parent is warm and accepting and at other times cold and rejecting. The key is that their child never knows what s/he is going to get. Because children need to feel safe and secure in their relationships with their parents, these children will learn to closely monitor their parents so that they can tell how their parents will respond to them.
This monitoring enables the child to shift his or her behaviour in order to head off painful rejection. This coping strategy works well during childhood but becomes the automatic relationship mode in adulthood.
Over the course of childhood, the anxiously attached person becomes “hypervigilant” for threat cues and “preoccupied” with his/her close relationships. This style reflects a “hyper-activation” of the attachment system wherein the person’s social-threat-detection apparatus is permanently stuck in the “on position.”
Brain imaging research shows that those brain structures that identify threat cues in the environment are actually larger in people with anxious attachment styles.
So, if you have this style, you are likely to pick up readily on subtle emotional cues from others, experience strong emotional reactions, take a long time to calm yourself down, and ruminate while you are activated.
Your thoughts ‘force’ you to fix the situation and you enact behaviours to do just that, such as confronting the person who you feel is rejecting you. The problem is that what you do to fix things often results in just making them worse.
The good news is that having an overly sensitive threat detector can make you very empathetic and compassionate to the emotional experiences of others. You can also take some of the following steps to control the negative aspects of this pattern:
• Realize that your threat detector will often give you false positive readings.
• Be aware that it will be hard to think clearly when you are emotionally activated.
• Give yourself 30 minutes or more to calm down before responding.
• If the other person tries to distance him/herself, leave it and try again later.
• Tell yourself there is nothing to fix, and that it can wait until tomorrow.
• Distract yourself or do something else to take your mind off of it.
• Acknowledge that rehashing the problem with your friends might keep you activated instead of making you feel better.
Crucially, the brains of people with anxious attachment styles will interpret neutral facial expressions from others as a threat cue and as an indicator that they may reject you. So, your friend or partner who is trying to calm you down by not reacting or remaining calm while you are upset might just be having the opposite effect.
If you can accept that it was your childhood home environment that shaped your emotional system and relationship patterns, you may be able to stop blaming yourself.
And taking a mindfulness course can help you to begin to identify your habitual way of relating to others especially during difficult and/or stressful situations. This will enable you to gradually make the changes that will allow your relationships to flourish within the home environment and elsewhere.
With warm regards,
Alistair Mork-Chadwick (Psychologist)